In 2018, men of all ages and all across the country, married or single, educated or not, are far more feminist than ever before. This needs to be acknowledged. The struggle to transform our institutions, our politics and our culture will succeed much faster if more men join the fight. But if you want an ally, you have to at least acknowledge they’re on your team, not your rival.

Let’s call it the Lewd Halloween Rule: For every possible type of male costume there is a female version that includes high heels, fishnet stockings and cleavage. Now, this is why I find Halloween so disturbing. We have to assume the costumes for sale simply reflect demand, and this demand reflects our secret wishes, something we actually want to be, disguised in a joking-not-joking irony. Which means that we are a collective mess—both sexes plagued with archaic insecurities and clichéd gender roles.