Are you disrespecting women at work? How to be an ally

The sexual harassment allegations against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underscore the disconnect between what is right and wrong behavior toward women in the workplace.

A New York Times report detailed decades of sexual harassment reports involving the Oscar-winner. While the actions Weinstein is accused of are glaring wrongs, women at work are subject to more subtle transgressions that men can avoid.

Women are still sometimes condescended to, overlooked and objectified. Men who resort to the lessons of their fathers and grandfathers may intend to be chivalrous but come off as lacking professionalism.

In an apology, Weinstein himself admits some passable workplace behavior is now unacceptable.

"I came of age in the '60s and '70s, when all the rules about behavior and workplaces were different," he said. "That was the culture then. I have since learned it's not an excuse, in the office — or out of it. To anyone."

More:Angelina Jolie, Gwyneth Paltrow say Weinstein harassed them, too

Despite societal advances toward feminist policies, experts suggest men and woman are still working out the kinks of acceptable behavior.

"I don't think anyone knows what the new rules are," said Jackson Katz, an author and educator on feminist issues. 

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Men and women, he said, are constantly renegotiating their terms, making proper etiquette a moving target. So, how can men who identify as feminists avoid social hiccups? Here's what experts say are the dos and don'ts:

Listening (do)

For a broad approach to male feminism, try listening.

David Kahane, a political theorist and author of the essay "Male Feminism as Oxymoron," said men should take a more inquisitive approach to their interactions with women.

"As humans, we often have a tendency to read other people's experience through our own," he said. Men should, "drop the assumption that we know what the position of the women around us is like."

He said men can do this by taking seriously the condescension and violence women often experience from men. This in itself may force men to look at their own actions and could curb comments that make women feel uncomfortable, Kahane said. He stresses men should do this without beating up on themselves.

"I think that stance of curiosity will get us a very long way," he said. "It's a practice of empathy and it's a practice of altering our habits."

Pulling out chairs (don't)

Deference in the workplace should be based on rank solely, not gender, according to etiquette consultant Thomas P. Farley. So don't pull out a chair for a woman at a meeting or work function, unless they're elderly or incapable or doing it themselves.

"A woman wouldn't pull out a man's chair either," said etiquette expert Diane Gottsman.

Holding doors (do)

This one swings both ways. Men and women should hold doors for each other.

But, gentlemen, make sure to hold it for both men and women, Farley says. And women, don't be insulted, Gottmsan said.

"It's not because the woman is the weaker sex," she said. "It's because we are showing deference to each other."

Talking sweet (don't)

No hons, honeys, sweeties, sweethearts or babes. Such names send the wrong signals.

"You run the risk of other people thinking, 'Is there something going on here?'" said Farley.

Touching (don't)

Men should avoid touching women in the workplace. Even if it's meant as innocent, it could creep her out.

"It's a danger zone," said Farley.

However, we're not robots, he adds. It's OK to give a reassuring hug if someone is upset in the workplace. A "touch of congratulations" also may be warranted when someone wins a big award or is retiring.

"To end that relationship with an icy handshake is inhuman," he said.

Shaking hands (do)

Farley, who consults companies on in-house professionalism, said women find it condescending when men dial back their handshake for them. He said it sends a message the woman can't endure the same handshake as men.

Gottsman's handshake etiquette is the following: Don't grab and pull. Keep it firm, not aggressive. Three shakes.

Offering a compliment (depends)

Once thought of as a proper gesture, complimenting a woman's dress, now may ring as off-putting.

"You look great today," often feels uncomfortable for women, said Gottsman. Men, she said, should always compliment women on their success, not their looks.

However, Farley allows room for complimenting a woman's accessories, such as watches and necklaces. He said stay away from comments on clothing.

Paying for a professional dinner (depends)

Like the dating rule, Gottsman said the person who invites pays in the working world. Farley said the check at work dinners should be split, unless they're longtime colleagues.

Otherwise, if a man insists on paying, Farley said, it could be viewed as a power grab by the man.

"A woman in the workplace is not looking to be wooed in the workplace," Farley said. "They're looking for equal respect."

Gottsman said men in the working world want to do the right thing, but fall back on behaviors that are more date-like than corporate.

"If you invite, you pay and you tip," she said. "That's the etiquette."

Talking (do)

A simple method of avoiding a faux pas is to strike up conversations with men and women about the new norms. It's something everyone has a take on.

"People have to understand that in transitional times like these, there's going to be all kinds of confusion and misintention of readings," Katz said. "We should give everyone a little bit of a break."

Follow Sean Rossman on Twitter: @SeanRossman