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Being A True Ally To Women At Work: Six Do’s And Don’ts

Forbes Coaches Council

Cari Jacobs-Crovetto is an executive coach with 25 years in marketing as a CMO and Leader.

I must first confess that I have PTSD. My career journey began in 1989 when I took my first job out of college. That was a full six years after working at the shoe store where my male manager gave me unwanted massages so I could keep my job. And a full year after my male English college professor promised me “an 'A' if…”

I spent almost 25 years in marketing, landing myself in a CMO role for the last three. The first 10 years of my career were spent thinking that I needed to be pretty enough to gain attention and that being smart meant knowing when to shut up. And, sadly enough, I endured harassment by both clients and executives. The middle five years of my career were spent trying to find that middle ground between being “too passionate” and being “too afraid.”

And the last 10 years of my career were spent being pissed.

And I admit it: I quit the game. In 2020, I quit my career. Not because I didn’t love what I did. I loved marketing! And not because I didn’t have a number of well-meaning, heartfelt men who wanted to see me succeed. I did. But because by that time, the damage was done, and I was so tired of fighting the fight that I just couldn’t do it anymore, for one more day. Even among the most well-meaning of men.

The year I decided to quit, one of my favorite male colleagues and I had a brave discussion. He had continued to discount and do nothing after repeated reports of harassment and inequality of female employees surfaced. “You don’t think that I was someone who knowingly did anything wrong do you?” he asked one afternoon. “No,” I answered. “It was unknowing—that’s why they call it unconscious bias.” If he had known, perhaps he would have seen how his continued inaction was in fact bias itself.

Today, two years after deciding to leave my role as a CMO, I coach executives, many of whom are men. I am thrilled to hear the questions I hear from my male clients—curious and sincere questions on how they can show up in even bigger ways for women. I have collected six do’s and don’ts below that have come from my history in the boardroom as well as from the men I coach and learn from about how we can best show up as allies.

1. Don’t talk first. Some men may not realize how often they speak first in a room of mixed genders. There is an unseen bias that the room will often wait until the first and more senior male speaks. So, wait. If no woman takes the lead, offer it up. “Sue, can you kick us off?” Some may fear this might feel condescending or directional. But if it is a sincere gesture to allow the women in the room to lead the discussion, it is highly appreciated. And it models for others in the room to pause and let a woman kick off versus jumping in.

2. Do let the women in the room lead and listen. Encourage the men on your team and in the company to “lay back”—let the women talk. Let them talk to each other in meetings and observe how they interact, think, position things, decision-make. Set the intention of really, truly learning how women interact and think together. This observation can help break the bias of running organizations from a long history of male-oriented thinking and behaving.

3. Don’t finish women's sentences. I am a talker. And I can overpower a room. I have spent years learning how to own my space. But many women are still practicing owning their space. So give them some room: room to complete their own thoughts, finish their own sentences—without a male earnestly helping them out. This will go a long way toward trust and equity in the room.

4. Do treat women as better than equal, just to level the field for a while. There is some course correction to be made with regard to gender equality. So overcorrecting is not a bad thing! Brené Brown says trust is earned in the small "marbles." The small ways we recognize and make space for women to shine, and even outshine, will help level the playing field. So taking a back seat may be the win in the long game.

5. Don’t project. We all project at times. These are moments when we bring our past relationships, narratives and experiences with one person into a relationship and then project or displace our feelings and emotions onto someone else. For example, individuals who have an unhealthy power dynamic at home with their wives or who have perhaps felt disempowered with their mothers can certainly displace their emotions onto women in the work world. Be aware of it in yourself and in others you might observe. And gently make yourself and others aware of when projection might be at play.

6. Assume you are 'all men everywhere.' Even if you are one of the “good ones” who has done deep self-examination and seeks to propel women forward, consider a perspective in which you represent all men and not just yourself. Then work to push yourself harder. I have worked with plenty of people who are in fact self-proclaimed feminists and who, in my estimation, are absolutely breaking the bias. But the big mistake these people make is then to assume they have no more work to do on themselves or for their gender as a whole. So keep making it your priority, even if you are "enlightened."


Forbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. Do I qualify?


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