'Boys don't cry': Toxic masculinity is destroying men and we need to talk about it
This one's for the boys: you’re allowed to cry, you’re allowed to feel, you’re allowed to speak about your emotions. And yes, you’re also allowed to be the little spoon if you so want to.
By Mayukh Majumdar, Mirror Now
If you are somebody who was born into the male gender, you’ve probably heard statements like ‘boys don’t cry’ and ‘don’t be a sissy’.
It starts at a very young age, almost before children can even form their first words. A boy is given a toy, usually a car or a truck and perhaps, a superhero figurine or maybe a G. I. Joe. Any male child who shows interest in a toy which is seen to be reserved for the female gender (say, a Barbie doll) is instantly rebuked - “boys don’t play with that”.
Boys are taught that men must be strong, dominating and warrior-like. Hence, the cars and trucks and soldier figurines. Any boy that shows an interest in the ‘softer’ things is considered to be a problem. “Maybe, he’s going through a phase,” the family usually whispers, hopefully.
What does this do, in essence?
It demarcates gender roles which are not only harmful to those who do not adhere to gender norms, it also bars individuals from accessing the full range of emotions that are available to the human mind.
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Patriarchy is not only harmful to women, it also chains men and forces them to behave in a certain way.
Why should a child with a scraped and bleeding knee be forced to stop crying because ‘boys don’t cry’? Isn’t it the human instinct to react to pain?
Young boys are taught that they should adhere to masculine ideals and this leads to an emotional vacuum in their later years. So terrible are the consequences that they grow up to be men who are afraid to appear caring. It makes it ‘cool’ for them to be ‘bad boys’ and ‘heartbreakers’.
In fact, think back to conversations that your family must have had around a good-looking male child.
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“He’ll grow up to be a heartbreaker,” relatives will usually opine, looking mighty pleased with themselves.
This suppression of emotions leads to aggression and the inability to form healthy relationships in the long run.
In fact, the worst insult you can throw at a boy is to question his masculinity. This insult is often paid back with violence – young men are encouraged to fight and prove their machoness.
And this isn’t just restrained to brawls on school grounds – they lead to far worse incidents like rape and murder.
When males feel that their privilege or masculinity is threatened, they often resort to violence.
In the 2014 shooting in Isla Vista, Elliot Rodger said in a video: “I don’t know why you girls aren’t attracted to me, but I will punish you all for it,” reports Bustle.
The above statement is an apt example of such a consequence.
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Not to mention, restraining men from showing emotions leads to depression and in some circumstances, even suicide.
What’s worse is that these men refuse to seek help for the fear of appearing like ‘sissies’. Is appearing macho really worth all this?
And if you thought that toxic masculinity was detrimental to straight, cis-gendered men, think of the effect it has on transgender folk and homosexuals.
In fact, the only thing worse than calling a boy a ‘girl’ is calling him a ‘faggot’. This shames gay men, thrusts them deeper into a closet and denies them happiness for years. In the book, ‘Love, Simon’, the protagonist states that while it has been his experience that girls indulging in lesbian activities are perceived to be 'cool', men showing homosexual traits are instant pariahs. Toxic masculinity may be discomforting to most men but for gay men, it is an instant poison.
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In order to create a more equal and happier society, it is imperative that we discuss how men are discouraged from crying and feeling. Toxic masculinity affects people from across the spectrum and hence, we should encourage men to come forth with their problems and empathise with the same.
"Accepting the patriarchy from a place of false benefit will prevent you from ever truly loving yourself or understanding others. It's OK to feel sad. It's OK to cry. It's OK to have loved your mum and dad growing up. It's OK to have missed them or wanted more affection. It's OK to take a moment when you're reminded of these truths. When you allow your brain to access these emotions, it knows exactly what to do. So nurture yourself. Talk honestly to the people around you, and welcome the notion of understanding them more than you have ever done before," writes Jordan Stephens in The Guardian.
So, this one's for the boys: you’re allowed to cry, you’re allowed to feel, you’re allowed to speak about your emotions.
And yes, you’re also allowed to be the little spoon if you want to be.
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