(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Dear men: catcalling and talking to women are two different things.

You probably know a number of women with whom you shoot the breeze on occasion, who you’d never dream of beeping at on a Friday night.

You might talk to Rachel from your team about what she had for dinner. You might tell the woman next door about the holiday you’ve just come back from. You might ask your female barista how her day’s going.

Those are not incidents of catcalling.

Talking to women is not harassment. Talking to the opposite sex is a necessary part of societal living which can be an enriching experience on both sides.

On the whole, women like being talked to by guys. The vast majority of us do not hate men and do not want to live in a world where they are scared to approach us, to befriend us, to want to be part of our lives.

But that doesn’t mean that we’re ok with low-level sexual harassment on a daily basis.

So let me explain what the difference is between INNOCENT CHATTING and BAD CATCALLING.

The difference between catcalling and talking to women

Catcalling

  • using sexually charged chat towards women you don’t know
  • whistling at women you don’t know
  • beeping at women you don’t know
  • talking about the appearance of a woman you don’t know
  • not accepting rejection from a woman you don’t know
  • demanding a response from a woman you don’t know

Talking to a woman

  • saying hi to a woman
  • asking a woman a question rather than just yelling at her
  • complimenting a woman without using sexual language
  • wishing a woman a nice day
  • asking for a woman’s number and accepting it when she says no
  • leaving a woman alone when she asks you to

Whistling at a woman as they walk past you on the street is sexual harassment.

Telling a random woman that she has nice tits/a good bum/great legs/small waist/big lips is sexual harassment.

Beeping at a woman in your car is sexual harassment.

Asking how high a woman’s tattoos extend up her legs is sexual harassment.

Pursuing women after they’ve asked you to leave them alone is sexual harassment.

You know this. Men know this.

These guys know the difference (Picture: Ella Byworth/Getty Images)

And yet whenever women talk about catcalling, they’re often shouted down by blokes who dismiss their worries or anger as being snowflaky emotions.

‘Oh, so a man can’t even say a nice thing to a woman these days without being branded a rapist?!?!’ they yell.

Take the story about Noa Jansma – the woman who’s been taking selfies with her catcallers – for example.

We wrote about her project and rather than empathising with her plight, quite a few guys have commented saying that she should basically just get over it.

‘It’s really unharmful, unless they are persistent, follow you, are aggressive or obscenely vulgar, or engage girls under 16 (under 18 for USA, as per minors law)… Then move on. If it’s just a comment about your appearance, or a “smile” comment or whatever. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. No crime has been committed,’ writes Daniel.

‘Women are not precious snowflakes, sure it can be annoying to hear a guy do it…But really. Stop acting so delicate and innocent. You’re not a child. Deal with it. Ignore it. If you want, tell them to F off.’

Another Metro reader says: ‘All the “don’t catcall”, “don’t speak to / look at a woman”…I met my wife by walking up to her in the street and asking her out’.

THAT IS NOT THE SAME THING MY FRIEND AND YOU KNOW IT.

But as a general rule, if you wouldn’t say something to your sister/daughter/mum then it might be inappropriate for telling a random woman you don’t know from Adam.

I was once followed home from my local tube station for the entire 10 minutes to my house by a youth who refused to listen when I said that I didn’t want to give him my number, that had a boyfriend and that I lived with my parents. FOR 10 WHOLE MINUTES. He only left me alone when my dad actually came to my front door (you’ve never seen a man move so fast in your life).

I’m not averse to chatting sh*t to a random dude on what is a particularly dry walk home, but when the conversation revolves around why you won’t give them your number, it comes grating and a bit disturbing.

On the flip side, a few months ago I was approached on my way home by someone who wanted to know where I bought my bright yellow (sexy) mac from before asking for my number. The following week, he told me that he’d been dumped by his girlfriend of umpteen years and had been trying to convince himself that he could still talk to women. Weird but non-threatening. Approaching, not catcalling.

Here are two more examples of catcalling versus approaching, from Ellen, 25:

Catcalling

I was walking home from school (wearing a uniform, which, worryingly, seemed to increase how frequently I was catcalled) when a group of guys in a car yelled at me to stop. I stopped and they beckoned me over to their car. I walked over because frankly, I felt scared and intimidated (it was winter, so it was dark, and I was outnumbered) and they proceeded to tell me that I was fit, and asked for my number. When I explained that I really wasn’t interested, they became angry. I walked away and they continued to yell. They then followed me home in their car, yelling the entire time, which was terrifying because they then knew where I lived. Thankfully they drove off after a while but it was still scary.

Another time, I was walking down Oxford Street when a guy loudly said ‘you are FIT’ while standing with his friends. I ignored because I didn’t want to interact with a big group. They quickly became angry and yelled that I was a ‘bitch’. Lovely.

Approaching

I was walking down the road when a man came up to me and said he thought I was gorgeous, then asked me my name. We chatted for a bit about what we each do for work, what we were doing for the day. When he asked if we could exchange numbers for a date, I explained that I wasn’t interested in going on a date (I wasn’t dating at the time), and while he did ask why, he then listened to what I said, responded with ‘that’s okay, it was nice talking to you anyway!’ and we parted ways.

I’m sure 99% of guys know the line when it comes to chatting to women.

I’m also aware that some women catcall men and make them feel uncomfortable. They too are bad people. If you’re a woman who goes around pinching random men’s arses or whistling at them or yelling ‘OI SEXY SHOW US YA ABS’, then you are also part of the problem. Shut up and keep your claws to yourself. But you have to admit that the vast majority of men are physically more powerful than women and therefore, they can be more threatening when it comes to sexual harassment.

This isn’t a rabid feminist argument. It’s about as libertarian as you can get: leave people alone who obviously want to be left alone.

When you make sleazy, predatory remarks to someone you don’t know, you’re expecting something. Maybe you think they’ll be DTF (you poor, delusional sod). Maybe you think they’ll eventually come round to giving you their number. Maybe you’re just looking to boost your own ego by making someone feel like you own them.

Whatever your reason, you’re making things a whole lot harder for those who genuinely want to get to know people and have some respect for them.

Most of us want to have a conversation, want to meet people, want to form bonds. We just don’t want you to be a mega creep about it.

It’s really not that hard to understand.

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