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In this reported op-ed, Sahar Arshad explores hows living alone can be healing for young South Asian women.
For South Asian women, life can come with a different set of rules. Of course, we are not a monolith, and not everyone lives with the same expectations. Still, it’s often considered traditional for women to stay in their childhood homes until they are married. It’s also considered normal to some for boys and girls to have different expectations when growing up. Girls are often expected to follow their parents’ rules, not stay out late, and often carry the respect of their family name on their backs. These rules can lead to some South Asian women lacking autonomy — which is seemingly only promised to us after marriage.
But now, many of us are breaking the rules. Young South Asian women have been taking back their independence by choosing to move out of their family homes before marriage. Some have supportive parents who encourage out shift from the norm, while others use education or job relocation as an opportunity to move away. Of course, there may be many reasons — financial or otherwise — that someone might choose to stay in their family’s home, and some may find peace and autonomy in that space. For those of us who choose to move away, it can be an incredibly therapeutic experience for South Asian women to live under a roof where they create their own rules.
24-year-old Snigdha Bansal moved out of her parent's home in Mumbai, India at 21 to pursue a master's degree in Europe. Previously, she says her parents were noncommittal every time she brought moving out up. “Pursuing a master's abroad, however, was completely my mum's idea. Not only did she want me to have a secure future, but she was also afraid that in a few months, my extended family would also want me to settle for an arranged marriage, as is the norm in my community in Rajasthan, India.” When Bansal ended up securing a full-ride scholarship, her extended family’s comments about her parents spending money on an overseas education no longer mattered. “In a way, it was necessary I left if I wanted to live life my own way,” says Bansal. “This is not to say it was an easy decision. I was worried how my mum and brother would get on without me around, but together, we found ways to make it possible.”
For many women like Bansal, moving out is a step that is less about rebellion, and more about independence. Finding our own space can be an important step toward figuring out who we are, but this can be particularly tough for South Asian women, according to Tina Mistry, PhD. “The trouble South Asian women, in particular, have with this is that the culture we come from is heavily influenced by the oppressive system of patriarchy. Women are often seen as assets or possessions of families and on top of this, South Asian culture is embedded in collectivism,” she says. “Therefore there is less of ‘I’ and more of an ‘us’ or ‘our’ mindset.”
When you grow up and come from such a community, it can sometimes be a double-edged sword. You have the love, support, and protection of your family, who considers it their duty to take care of you. “Our families often serve as a foundational base, a place where we learn about connection, community, culture, and values,” Mistry said. That, of course, can be a great comfort. But it can also mean that it’s never just you, allowing little time for the personal development that often emerges in teen years. That was the case for Bansal.
“Growing up in our large families, we never learn how to be alone, how to develop not just as daughters or sisters or wives, but as people,” she says. While she says she experienced loneliness when she moved out, taking time to adjust to being removed from the bustle of her family life, Bansal learned more about herself through that struggle. “I see that in the past three years I've been through things my 20-year-old self could never have imagined. And I'm equally grateful for both the struggles and the good times that followed.”
In addition to the life skills one might learn when moving out comes mental lessons, Mistry says. “There is the psychological growth that comes with this which comes from engaging in relationships outside of the family. The people who we are surrounded by have a huge influence on our mindsets, habits, and ability to grow,” she says. “Often when we move away from the family home we are pushed to do more for ourselves, give ourselves time to be with new people that may challenge our thinking, and engage in our own learning.”
21-year-old Tanya Kaushal convinced her parents to let her attend boarding school at 13, in hopes of acquiring a better education. She later attended university in London, their support unwavering.
“My parents were excited, I was excited. They were happy I was out of a toxic society and pursuing my dreams. They wanted me to be happy even if that meant me pursuing my dreams in a different country,” says Kaushal. She also points out that it’s all about choice. The main thing that is crucial to implement is “having families and society giving young girls the choice to be able to go out and expand their horizons.”
This kind of autonomy — the freedom to choose your path and determine who you are — may be one of the biggest reason it can be healing to live alone. And if autonomy was easily granted with no strings attached in the homes many South Asian women grow up in, perhaps moving out wouldn’t be such a struggle — because it is possible to move out while still valuing and respecting your culture and upbringing.
“There needs to be a level of balance to counteract feelings of isolation,” Mistry says. “We should focus on thinking of ways in which we can hold both parts of us for the future. Ourselves, and our community.”
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