In light of the downfall of many prominent men for sexual inappropriateness (at best) toward others, anyone who is shocked by the idea that men could exploit their power in such deviant ways might ask: how did they get the idea they could do this?
Certainly, many books have already been written about toxic masculinity and its origins. But I feel like in the youth sports world we as coaches and parents can help into evolving a healthier definition for manhood. In youth sports we're well aware of the risk of child sexual abuse by coaches and authority figures (as I write this, police are on a multi-state search for a 27-year-old male soccer coach who ran off with a 17-year-old female player).
But many of us who are youth sports coaches and parents tend to overlook the little things we say about what it means to be a man that can end up sending boys the wrong message, whether it's creating star athletes who feel entitled to abuse others (and who are excused for doing so), or falling into the Muscular Christianity trap that has defined sports (and overall culture, really) in the United States to determine male equals strong and tough, and female equals weak. This 2015 "Friday Night Lights" parody from Comedy Central's "Inside Amy Schumer" in 2015 about reaction to a new high school football coach's new, shall we say, conduct policy is reflective of some wider opinions of the wrong life lessons sports can teach boys:
I have some suggestions for what youth coaches and parents can do right now to ensure boys are getting the right lessons in sports about masculinity, and about generally looking out for other people, in order to minimize an environment where abuse can happen today and in the future:
- Quit with the gender language denoting who's tough and superior, and who isn't. No more "be a man," no more "you throw like a girl," no more calling boys "ladies" if they're insufficiently tough. It's a youth team, not a production of "Glengarry Glen Ross."
- Set the example that men and women are equally welcome as part of the team and its environment. That means not talking to moms like they know nothing about sports (and talking to dads like they know everything), and welcoming women as coaches and in other positions beyond bringing snacks to the game.
- Encourage participation in leagues that welcome boys and girls, especially at a young age. I've coached many times in co-ed basketball leagues, and when your teammates are merely your teammates, there's not so much worry about what boys can do and girls can't, and vice versa.
- Have a zero-tolerance policy for hazing or any activity that posits one group of players may wield unchecked power over others. No one gets to touch or verbally abuse anyone just because they're oldest or best player on the team -- and no coach or parent should allow or defend that behavior. It's a lot easier to teach "no means no" at age 6 than during the teenage years.
- Don’t give athletes a pass on their conduct because they’re stars, related to prominent members of the community, or otherwise identified as a “good kid.”
- Recognize that individuals develop in different and varying ways, and stop trying to put one definition of how to act based on some predisposed notion of gender.
- And inside and outside of sports, make it clear to your kids that anyone should be expected to treat others with respect, and that anyone who abuses others should face consequences for that behavior. In American society, we seem to be only beginning to grapple with this lesson.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics...
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.— Ana Navarro (@ananavarro) November 29, 2017
