What to say when your young son says something sexist

"You can't play with that — you're a girl."

For parents trying to raise respectful sons, hearing their boy utter a comment like this can be confronting.

It can also raise questions about how to respond: Should you laugh it off, gently correct them, or launch into a full-blown lecture on gender equality?

We asked two experts for advice.

Remind them 'there's not only one way to be a boy'

Your first step in responding to sexist comments from young boys? Realise they don't pull these remarks out of thin air.

"That behaviour and language is learned. It's not innate in any boy, or girl or person," says Martin Fisk, chief executive officer of MensLink, a Canberra charity that supports boys and young men.

"Boys are not the problem; it's the story about what boys are that is the problem," agrees Dr Sarah Epstein, a Deakin University social work lecturer with a research background in raising respectful sons.

Sexist schoolyard taunts generally stem from society's ingrained gender stereotypes about what boys should wear, do, and play with — but parents can actively help counteract those stereotypes, says Dr Epstein, who has two sons herself.

"We need to tell boys that there's not only one way to be a boy, and we need to tell boys that there are also lots of ways to be a girl," she adds.

"And we can let them know that when they use sexist language, it lets [that other child] know that they can't be themselves or have dreams about who they want to be."

Two parents modelling this approach are Gayathri Srinivasan, 34, and her husband Dinesh.

They support their five-year-old son in his decision to wear his hair long — building his confidence by showing him pictures of men wearing ponytails.

The family also uses role-play at home to workshop respectful language that challenges gender stereotypes.

"My husband and my son and I act as if we're kids in a class and we say things that are gender-biased such as 'Hey, that hair tie looks really girly, are you a girl?'," Gayathri explains.

"If we feel like he's struggling a little bit, we let him know how best to respond — we say, 'You can tell him that it's absolutely OK to have long hair, and you've seen men having long hair, and you like doing it.'"

Their son now uses his new skills in the playground.

"I've seen instances where my son has gone to another child and said, 'It's completely OK to do this'," Gayathri says.

Don't minimise schoolyard taunts

"Boys rule, girls drool." "Girls are stupid." "No girls allowed here — we don't want girl germs!"

These schoolyard taunts are common — but don't assume they're harmless.

When parents accept sexist 'jokes' as a normal part of being a boy, their son can learn that disrespect is acceptable or funny. So it's important not to shrug off sexist remarks or behaviour with "Boys will be boys," "It was just a bit of fun" (or, if the teasing becomes physical, "You only hit her because you like her").

Instead, Mr Fisk suggests parents help their son reflect on what those comments mean.

"Sometimes it can be a silly comment that they've heard and people have laughed at it and they go, 'Oh cool, that can be a way to get people to laugh'," he says.

If that's the case, Mr Fisk says you can use the opportunity to explain that disrespectful comments based on gender or culture or disability aren't funny; they're a form of bullying.

You can also talk to your son about how all kids are "part of the same group, the human being group", says Dr Epstein.

You can gently remind him that "because girls are human beings, they are a lot more similar to boys than they are different", she adds.

Encourage empathy and respect

For Betul Khan, 28, heading off sexist comments means teaching her six-year-old son kindness and respect.

That means instilling in him the beliefs that "each person is equal no matter their age, sex, colour or size" and that "being a boy doesn't give him a right to be rude towards a girl", says Betul, a stay-at-home mum.

She does this partly by gently pulling her son up when he occasionally comments that "Cars are for boys", for example.

"I explain that toys are not for boys or girls. They can both play equally," Betul says.

Fostering kindness can also involve telling your son you believe he's kind, and doesn't want to hurt other people's feelings, says Dr Epstein.

"We can let them know that kind people don't have to be the police of who wears what, or the police of what type of toys other people play with," she says.

"Their job is to be kind, and being kind is about helping other people feel good about who they are."

Another way to help boys develop empathy: Mothers can point out that they, too, are a 'girl' — and describe how they feel left out when boys say nasty things about girls or exclude then, Dr Epstein says.

Monitor (and discuss) media

Keeping an eye on your son's media use can also impact the messages he's absorbing about men, women, and respect.

You can use moments from television or other media to start conversations about respectful behaviour.

It's also worth encouraging young boys "to watch shows with strong females, to counter the stereotypes that they're fed", says Mr Fisk.

This might involve pointing out inspirational women blazing trails in news and popular culture.

"Pick something that your son will relate to; whether it's Australia's Olympic gold medallist skiers, or BMX riders, or prime ministers of Australia or New Zealand, the future vice-president of the US, or female astronauts," says Mr Fisk.

Back in Gayathri and Dinesh's house, their son is learning all about how soccer balls are for girls.

"My son and my husband are ardent Liverpool fans [and] they also sit down and watch the ladies Liverpool team as well," Gayathri says.

"My husband makes sure he watches those matches as well, so he knows that sport is not just for boys."