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As I experience the recent goings on with social and gender inequality, I have found myself reflecting on what it means to be a good man. I have looked at my own past actions and have questioned my conditioning, assumptions, and behaviors.
Present-day solid, upstanding men can certainly have done disrespectful things in the past. No one is perfect. Everyone, regardless of gender, has done mean, selfish, morally objectionable things in their lives. Everyone.
It is unreasonable to say a man is not moral and upstanding because of an action of theirs in their past. Equally important, being an upstanding man today does not excuse any and all past actions.
When we do something wrong, it is up to us to learn from our actions and change our behavior, so it doesn’t happen again. It is also up to us to make amends to those we have harmed in whatever way we can. Not all pain from past actions can be taken away, but acknowledging fault and expressing remorse is a powerful step towards healing us all.
Those who have done disrespectful things in the past have the responsibility to own it and take steps forward.
When we deny our actions and the pain that we caused, we further the divide and deepen the pain for both those we have hurt and ourselves.
When we say, “It wasn’t that bad,” it’s no different than a doctor giving a shot to a patient saying, “This won’t hurt me a bit.” Pain is subjective, and how being assaulted has affected someone’s life is impossible for the attacker to assess.
When we justify our actions with, “Well, everyone did it, it was the culture at the time,” we are creating an excuse both not to address the pain we have caused and for us not to strive to be better people.
Culture has changed dramatically over the past couple decades, and with it, what justifies socially acceptable behavior towards women, people of color, and those who are LGBTQ.
We can say that what was once accepted as “boys will be boys” or “that’s just how guys are” is now no longer deemed culturally appropriate. And yet it remains completely appropriate (in fact, necessary) for us to say, “Wow, what I did was so wrong and violating and dishonorable, and I didn’t fully realize it at the time, and I’m so sorry for that. That is something I’m not proud of, and so wish I could take back. I’m willing to talk this out with you.”
Integrity doesn’t end with how we handle an event as it is happening; it can help heal the wounds years after they were ripped open.
There seems to be an unspoken expectation of perfection – that real, honest, good men have never done anything bad or wrong. That’s just not true. Many good men have become that way after walking a shameful path in their past, whether one misstep or miles down a dark alley.
What defines someone as a good man is their ability to recognize the error of their ways and make adjustments to their thoughts and behavior.
What defines someone as a good man is their willingness to walk with integrity, and their ability to acknowledge mistakes and repair damage they have caused.
A good man is someone who is secure enough in his manhood that he is able to be soft and caring and supportive and know that does not threaten his strength. In fact, it bolsters it.
I never post things from a soapbox; I feel that so often doing so would be adding one more voice to the screaming masses of those already deeply entrenched in their perspectives and unwilling to hear anything contrary.
My wife – who knows all of my shortcomings, past and present – said to me last night, “We need your voice.” The voice of someone who has made mistakes and owns it. Someone who has benefitted (and still benefits) from white, male, cis-gendered, straight privilege, and calls himself to be a better person.
That is what true manhood looks like.
I hope that others will take steps to embrace their past – however colored it may be – instead of disowning it. May we all bring the lessons we have learned and perspective we have gained to reach out to those who we may have harmed in the past, with awareness of what we were doing or not. This is how we can bridge the divide and help us heal as individuals and as a community.
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This was originally published on Facebook and is republished with the author’s permission.
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