How the language of disrespect destroys self-esteem and empowers violent behavior.
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Last night I took my 11-year-old son to our local diner for a late-night snack. After he’d finished his mushroom and onion burger and was working on a tall root-beer float, the bunch of high school boys in the next booth got up to leave. One of them, a tall, muscular young man with short-cropped brown hair, leaned over the table before walking away and said to his friends, “Tell John he’s a pussy.”
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I was not shocked by the phrase—it’s endemic in male youth culture—but I took the opportunity to remind my boy that these words were disrespectful to women, that tagging a boy or a man with slang for a woman’s genitalia and using that word as an insult to mean weak, indecisive, unable to stand up for himself, and unmanly reinforces a damaging double stereotype: first of women being inferior to men; and second of men who possess female characteristics being inferior to other males.
Tagging a boy or a man with slang for a woman’s genitalia and using that word as an insult to mean weak, indecisive, unable to stand up for himself, and unmanly reinforces a damaging double stereotype.
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My son said, “Yeah, I know.” I had read him the article I posted yesterday about domestic violence (without showing him the videos), and it had resonated for him. I explained that using the word pussy to insult a man related to what I was writing about, that the language of disrespect enables the behavior of disrespect which in turn paves the way for men to respond to disrespect—either real or perceived—with threats and physical violence and to use violence to enforce “respectful” (read submissive) behavior, both from male friends and colleagues and from women in relationships.
The following three-minute video, put up by The Representation Project, drives this point home. It all starts with disrespect. And criticizing your son—whether you are his mother or his father—for behavior you see as too sensitive; emotional; feeling-based; non-aggressive and therefore weak; too caring, compassionate, or cooperative; too wimpy; or lacking the dominance you believe he should assert over others—is at the bottom line, disrespectful to your child and to society at large. It does your son a great disservice by disregarding his own feelings and replacing them with yours. It also leads to feelings of shame and humiliation that can lower his self-esteem and leave him vulnerable to depression and suicide. And it perpetuates the culture of disrespect that fuels the culture of domestic violence and abuse. As Dr. Joseph Marshall points out in the video, in the current culture of masculinity, “respect is linked to violence.” This is the culture we must dismantle and dispense with. Note that I didn’t say smash or kill.
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As Dr. Joseph Marshall points out in the video, in the current culture of masculinity, “respect is linked to violence.” This is culture we must dismantle and dispense with.
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Disrespect is always an attempt to diminish power, and diminishing power is about achieving dominance. When dominance enters the picture, there can no longer be a relationship of equals, and all relationships—with men and women—become defined and controlled by a power dynamic that pits one person against another in the constant struggle to be top dog. The attitudes we impress on our children determine what the next generation will look like—how each boy we’re raising to “be a man” will act and conduct himself.
To help create the next generation of good men, contact the author at [email protected].
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photo: iStock
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Your point is well taken and the video is beyond powerful. However, I have to wonder if the issue is as much to do with one’s own definition of “being a man” as it is dealing with harmful the definitions of others. By only challenging the societal definitions of “being a man” with one’s son, it would seem that a parent would have to either assume that the son’s definition of becoming a man is internally derived or externally of no consequence to his peers. Neither is the case. Thus to only challenge the societal definitions of “being a man”… Read more »
Scott, I would say that the language of respect governs the behavior of respect but does not ensure it, as behavior is up to the individual who must also then deal with the consequences. If there are no consequences—or minimal and meaningless ones—for disrespect, it will thrive. I agree with you that we need a new definition, that we can’t simply attack the old model without providing a replacement. For this I would look to the Yiddish word “mensch,” which means a person (not specifically male or female) of integrity and honor. It derives from the Old High German word… Read more »
As right you are in your sentiments against the traditional understanding of “being a man” is it fair to say that the issue is as much defining what a man should be as dealing with the definitions of others? I have to wonder because as much as I agree with your article, I feel that it lacks an understanding for the feelings of sons. You address the danger in disregarding a son’s feelings for that of a parents who subscribes to the traditional aggression/dominance paradigm of “being a man”. But what of disregarding a son’s feelings while encouraging the opposite?… Read more »
Thomas, I can only hope if I have have the oppurtunity to be a parent, that I can be as clear minded, aware and open to conversation as you appear to be with your son. I loved that you didn’t ignore the comment the teenager made and make it a conversaton between you and your son. I further love that you even took things a step further and had him read an article you wrote, keeping the conversation flowing even after the incident happened.
Thanks for not just having this conversation with GMP, but having it with your son first.
Erin, Wow. Thank you for your kind and meaningful words and for your encouragement of me as both a parent and a writer. Both mean a lot.
One of the words we never see discussed here that I personally hear people use all the time is
“Don’t be Dick” or “Don’t be a Dickhead”
This one is a bit more complex, since when used by a man towards another man, it incorporates feelings of self-loathing. When used by a woman against a man, it is extremely insulting. Either way, referring to people as body parts is a key component of the language of disrespect.
Great quotation: “Disrespect is always an attempt to diminish power, and diminishing power is about achieving dominance. When dominance enters the picture, there can no longer be a relationship of equals.”
Thanks, Dave. That line came to me in an exchange with a friend on another article and formed the core of this one.
An important thesis, well stated.
“Bitch” may be even more pervasive than “pussy” nowadays as a weapon for shaming males. “Bitch” is even more damaging, I think, since the “B” serves as a scarlet letter tending to deter women from asserting themselves for fear of being branded. In any case, both slurs should be banished, and fast.
Jon, Agreed. Both words are pervasive and have damaging repercussions.
I enjoy this site a great deal. And this article had a line that struck a chord, ” It does your son a great disservice by disregarding his own feelings and replacing them with yours. It also leads to feelings of shame and humiliation that can lower his self-esteem…” This doesn’t ONLY happen to boys. This applies to ANY child, boy or girl. I was raised in a household where I was told to, “stop being so sensitive”, “stop overreacting”, “you’re being dramatic”, “stop being such a baby” etc. pretty much every day. We need to stop punishing children for… Read more »
Lea, You are correct that this issue transcends gender and we must stop repressing girls’ emotions as well as boys’.
I respect the sentiment behind this obviously thoughtful and well written piece. To me, however, when we start labeling a phrase like this as “the cruelest” thing we can say to our sons, we’ve taken a dip in Lake Hyperbole. I guess if your definition of “a man” is brutish, violent, repressed, callous, and self-involved then you’d have every reason to think it’s a terrible thing to encourage in your son. However, my definition of “a man” is honest, dependable, kind, morally centered and selfless. I want my son to embrace those values and, since I am his model for… Read more »
JD, I understand where you’re coming from, but manhood is not under attack here. Your definition of a man includes values and characteristics that are admirable in both sexes, and modeling them for your son is what this piece is all about. But to me, the words “Be a man” beg the question of how, exactly, a boy is not being a man when he is behaving in whatever way his father or other males criticizing him are complaining about? What is he being? A woman? A pussy? Why not use all the words we have in our language to… Read more »