Marriage and the Erasure of My Name
My husband thinks it’s funny when he gets mail addressed to Mr. Prater (that’s never been his name). Or better yet, Dr. and Mrs. Prater…he’s got a good sense of humor.
My husband and I met when I was in grad school. We dated long-distance for the last year I worked on my dissertation and I moved in with him after I was awarded my PhD. We didn’t marry until almost 8 years later, when I’d already been putting my name on contracts and professional documentation for over a decade. So I kept my name.
I don’t generally use my professional prefix, but when a person insists on a salutation — I was Dr. Prater before I married my husband and I’m Dr. Prater after marrying my husband. Different cultures utilize different rules on surnames, and even American society has changed a lot in the 40 years I’ve been wandering the planet. Women in all types of careers and social situations make a range of choices when it comes to their married name, so it isn’t new, or edgy, or even rocket science. And yet…
“so Mrs. Prater”
“It’s Dr., or just Alicia.”
“But you’re married?”
“Yes.”
“So, Mrs. Prater…”.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Prater doesn’t exist.” If I was Mrs. anything it would be my husband’s surname, and we didn’t do that.
I would understand confusion over the surname, but my earned salutation just disappeared after the ceremony and it’s presumed that my name changed even when I tell them it hasn’t. So yes, they’re still technically using my name, but it isn’t my identity. It belongs to someone who doesn’t exist.
I became defined by my ‘wifehood’.
- When we first got married, our car/homeowner insurance carrier changed my name without our permission or us requesting it when I simply requested our marital statuses be changed. We then had to try multiple times to get it fixed in a way that didn’t result in them changing back the marital statuses. The local office admin and the CS rep at their headquarters were so confused that the two things were not mutually exclusive. I had to waste time finding someone in the office who understood (the agent! somehow he got it!).
- My mother ends up…
