There we were, late on a Friday night in Colorado Springs, eating ice cream at a local spot. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes — something that hadn’t happened in at least half a dozen years. Jake looked at me, and said, “What do you want out of life,” and I remember not having words and wondering what I would answer with. But then I felt the tears forming, and suddenly, all I could think about was that I was about to cry in front of my best friend.
I’d just returned home from a 15-month deployment to Iraq. I went off to war as a young 23-year old, and when I came back, I was about to turn 25. Where had the time gone? I didn’t have any idea what to do with the 2–weeks off I had after coming back home, let alone in life, so I decided to visit Jake for a few days. Jake and I were roommates at West Point, and we’d developed a friendship the way only a place like the Academy can form. I’d seen Jake cry a few times when we were roommates, but I’d never cried in front of him. I didn’t cry at all during my 4-years at West Point. Not for physical pain, not for emotional pain, not for anything. I didn’t cry from the age of 16 until the age of 24. Yet there I was, sitting with him in an ice cream shop, about to cry. And all I could think to myself was, “Dear God, don’t cry.”
I can count the number of times I cried as a boy on two hands. Getting spanked especially hard by my dad. The day I missed a penalty kick as the teams star player and we lost the youth soccer championships. When I cried after being disciplined, I was always told to cry quietly, and to save my tears for something that mattered. Although I’m now in my mid 30s, and I still have yet to hear what those things are.
As a young boy growing up in the 80s, not crying was part of the art of manliness. If there’s no crying in baseball, then there’s certainly no crying for anything else. Crying was seeing as a weakness, and if you cried as a boy, you got called things like wimp, girl, pansy, mamma’s boy, or something worse. Crying wasn’t manly, but what was? Well, if you look at the big movies during the 80s and 90s like Top Gun, Terminator, Indiana Jones, Die Hard, Braveheart, or Fight Club, it was very clear. Be physically strong and tough, beat up the bad guys, have an attitude, save the day, and always get the girl.
Boys who don’t cry turn into men who don’t cry, or talk about their feelings, or allow themselves to be vulnerable, or show empathy for others. And that’s where the problem lies. Instead of those qualities, society tells boys that being a man is based on physical and sexual prowess, being loud and in charge, drinking black coffee, driving fast cars, and of course no crying. When in reality being a real man is about having integrity, being vulnerable, showing emotions, being kind and empathetic, and being there for others.
But who teaches young boys about these things? Who teaches boys that’s it’s ok to cry and to show emotions. That it’s ok to have empathy and feel for others? Things that will help them be a real man and move through this world in a way that impacts others in a positive way?
I didn’t get it from my father, who was the one who told me to cry quietly after a hard spanking. I didn’t get it from my teachers in school — I didn’t have a male teacher until I was in high school. And once I did, classes never veered outside of academic curriculum. No lessons ever on life or how to move through the world. I didn’t get it from my sports coaches — from them, all I learned was that winning was the most important thing, and that I should feel the same way. I certainly didn’t get it from West Point. When you’re training young men to become officers to fight and win wars, there’s no time for empathy or vulnerability, and certainly no tolerance for crying. At West Point, before big lectures, the speaker would often show a clip from a movie like Braveheart or Gladiator to get us pumped up. Nothing like a bunch of guys killing each other to make you feel big and tough, right?
Young boys who don’t cry turn into men who don’t cry. And men who don’t cry are suppressing their feelings — and these suppressed feelings eventually have to come out. And when they do, it’s often in the form of violence, or overdosing on alcohol and drugs, or shirking responsibilities, or becoming a workaholic. Not only is it ok to cry, but it’s healthy. Let’s stop pretending though that boys are going to be taught this by society, and let’s start doing this. Men, if you’re a father, or a coach, or a teacher, or a pastor, you name it — take it upon yourself to teach boys what being a real man means. Don’t leave it to Hollywood, or social media, or marketing to teach them. Until we make this change, we’ll continue to have boys that eventually turn into men, who still don’t cry.
When I went off to war, we lost soldiers in my unit. And at their funeral services, I didn’t cry at all. In fact, I remember feeling nothing. And as I sat down and thought about it, it started to really worry me. Had I lost the ability to feel? To empathize? To show emotion?
I moved to San Francisco 6 years ago after getting out of the Army, and I couldn’t wait to start my new life. But then a strange thing happened. I remember feeling depressed all the time, and I didn’t know how to put it into words, and I didn’t know what to do with the feelings and emotions I was having. I started going to therapy, and that really helped me open up and talk about things. Suddenly, all those feelings about how I was raised, going to war, and suppressing my emotions all came out. I started crying in sessions. At first I was embarrassed. Now, crying in a session is as normal as breathing. I don’t even wipe away the tears as they flow down down my cheeks.
Crying has been so freeing for me. It’s an emotion that we were born with, and just like laughing, I no longer try and suppress it. I cry when I watch movies like Coco. I cry when I see a beautiful sunrise. I cry when I have tough conversations with dad. I cry when I talk about my experience at war. I cry when my depression is especially bad. And I cry when I hurt emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Men, stop suppressing your emotions, and lean into them. Let yourself cry, and watch the freedom that comes with it. Start opening up about how you feel, and let there be healing in that. Boys will not be boys. Boys will be kind, and thoughtful, and share their feelings, and stand up for others that do. And boys will cry when they want to. Because boys that cry when they want to turn into men that cry when they want to. And that will be better for everyone.
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Originally published on Medium.
Photo by Ali Tareq on Unsplash
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