This is Why 9 out of 10 Women Turn Down Speaking Opportunities

Cringing, I tap on a new message that comes into my inbox, with the subject:

"Keynote speaker request"

Like most requests, the email begins by the sender outlining my strengths and the reasons why I would be the perfect speaker at their organization’s event.

Yet, the closing paragraph undoubtedly gives me pause:

“If you can’t make it, please recommend another female executive. We need a woman.”

I'm not sure why I'm so offended. I completely agree we need more women to take the stage and have a voice. But, I also know my accomplishments are impressive, by any standard, so to suggest I'm only invited because I'm a female cuts straight to my insecurities and triggers the imposter syndrome. Am I not good enough? Would I be where I am today if I wasn’t a woman?

In 2014 I was invited to give a TED talk at the first ever TED@IBM event. Before being invited I had never given a single talk. I was nervous, and excited, and smart enough to know that this was one of those career changing moments and there was no other choice but to say yes. I went through seven different iterations of my "one idea worth spreading" and spent hours memorizing my 8 minute talk. After my talk was over, I was relieved and proud of my hard work in preparation - I couldn't stop smiling. During the intermission, John Bates, a leadership communication expert who has been a speaker coach for 35+ TEDx events, came over to me and thanked me for my talk. As we were talking he told me how when it comes to TED like events, if you ask 10 men to speak, 9 say yes. But if you ask 10 women, 9 say no. I couldn't help but question myself, why did I say yes? Why was I different?

When you say no to your opportunity to speak, you are also, unequivocally saying no to your opportunity to make a difference. Period. - John Bates

Last year, the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) conference organizers were criticized for not having a single female keynote speaker - this year's show did have IBM CEO Ginni Rometty. However, of the Fortune 500 companies, only 33 of them have a female CEO. Given the fact that they're running a Fortune 500 company, with intense demands for their time, they may be more likely to say no if the event doesn't align with their business objectives. If we need more women to take the stage to show the next generation that women can rise to powerful positions, that is putting a big time ask on just 33 women.

I'm currently reading a book by Melinda Gates - The Moment of Lift - How Empowering Women Changes the World. Melinda tells the story through her own personal experiences and those of other women.

One paragraph, in particular, was my lightbulb moment:

"A girl who is given love and support can start to break the self image that keeps her down. As she gains self-confidence, she sees she can learn. As she learns, she sees her own gifts. As she develops her gifts, she sees her own power; she can defend her own rights. That is what happens when you offer girls love, not hate. You lift their gaze. They gain their voice." - Melinda Gates, The Moment of Lift

This was the answer!

Melinda Gates explained in one paragraph why I had said yes to the TED talk, while many other women may have said no: 

Love. 

Growing up I was told and assumed I could grow up to be anything I wanted to be. Both my mom and dad not only encouraged my siblings and I to follow our dreams, they expected us to. Even though my mom stayed home when my sister was born, she went back to work when I started middle school. She was my role model. I remember her working long hours and then coming home and cooking and cleaning well into the evening. My brother, younger sister, and I rarely had chores. She used to tell stories of growing up where the girls had to do dishes, while the boys didn't have to. She didn't want that for her daughters. My mom took on the burden of running our home on top of a full-time job. This "unpaid" work was basically a second job. Looking back now, I wish I had helped her out more, but then again, the time I didn't spend cleaning up dishes I spent being creative, reading books, exploring and learning as much as I could. This time that my mom allowed me to choose what I wanted to do was the biggest gift she could've ever given me as a mother.

Now I'm a mother myself. A proud mom to two sets of twins - two boys and two girls.

My husband and I share responsibilities around the house. Having twins forced us to divide and conquer our lives as parents. As a family of six, we're a team and everyone has to help out, there is no room for gender bias. All the kids put their own dishes in the dishwasher after dinner and get themselves ready for school (most days) so they can catch the bus. But I'll be the first to admit that I don't have it all figured out. Our bed is never made. I don't force my kids to make theirs either. We go entirely too long between deep cleans. We pick and choose as a family what is important to us, how best to spend our time, and what gives us joy vs. the things that may be okay to slip. Even though we are teaching our kids that there is no room for gender bias, an unfortunate reality is that it is still prevalent in the world. What makes me excited, though, is thinking about how tech can help. For example, IBM is creating technology that removes potential bias from decision making with AI & cloud so my kids, all of us, can have brighter futures and our businesses can benefit from diversity of thought.

My Pledge

This year on International Women's Day I pledged to instill a sense of responsibility in my sons to always lift up women, raise my daughter's with the confidence that they can do anything, and show the next generation that women can #STEM. I challenged readers to start at home by treating everyone in their family as equals. And LOVE! If we all support and encourage our kiddos, co-workers, and employees to pursue their dreams and take the opportunity to stand on stage and share their expertise equality will follow.

As Melinda Gates put it in her book:

"I believe that women gain equality not couple by couple but by changing the culture, and we can change the culture by sharing our stories. That's why I'm sharing mine." (Gates M. , 2019)

For that reason, I pledge to continue to say yes to speaking events despite any imposter syndrome it conjures up, and encourage other women to also take the stage.

And, to those event organizers, keep pushing for recommendations for great female speakers. I applaud you for making it a point to have equal representation and give everyone an opportunity to have a voice. #BeEqual

Join me in making your pledge at IBM.com/BeEqual