We set out to redefine masculinity. Then I realized the word had problems that wouldn’t be resolved by a new definition.
A few years ago, I teamed up with two leaders in men’s work to offer a workshop for men in search of a new healthy masculinity. Over three days, thirty five men bonded, grappled with their emotions, held each other to a higher standard, changed their behavior, and stepped back into the world with new self-esteem and power.
In support of the workshop we created a Facebook group for both men and women to invite open discussion about masculinity. Each instructor had his own personal understanding—we lived it, we recognized it when we saw it, and it was the bedrock of our work as coaches. But for class we’d need a formal definition. We understood the importance of getting this right and invited our communities into the discussion.
The group quickly grew to several hundred, then thousands. The conversations were all over the map, from insightful to openly hostile, as we learned what it takes to moderate a growing Facebook group. It taught us a lot and made the workshop better than it would have been.
What it didn’t do was result in a universal description of what masculinity is. A definition that could be widely adopted.
We saw genuine contradictions and conflicting, equally legitimate worldviews. We frequently saw statements that were as (unintentionally) insulting to one group as they were empowering to another. And I started to grasp how difficult it would be to get masculine and feminine into right relationship with the concept of gender in any universal way.
It’s not like we had a ton of trolls or saboteurs; everyone was trying to contribute. But no one was converging. No single truth was emerging.
. . .
Part of the problem is that we rely on “masculine” and “feminine” as a kind of shorthand. Everyone uses these words cavalierly as if everyone knows and agrees what they mean. Well guess what. The most widely shared meaning is the old, outdated definition that rightly fell out of favor after the 1950s. The one everybody hates. All the healthy, positive connotations are what you could call local dialects—they live inside the speaker’s local bubble.
Which makes these words aggravatingly inflammatory or disempowering more often than not, regardless of intent.
The underlying problem, though, is that attributing any positive quality to one pole, masculinity or femininity, denies that quality in the other pole in a way that isn’t actually true.
. . .
So I struck them from my vocabulary. I literally stopped using the words masculine and feminine.
Now, wherever I would use them, instead I figure out the specific behaviors, thoughts, or ways of being I’m trying to refer to — what it is I actually mean — and talk about those directly.
This one change has vastly improved my ability to communicate clearly about difficult, nuanced topics.
. . .
For example, in the past I might have used masculine to refer to leadership, reason, intellect, confidence, strength, structure, integrity, taking a stand, hierarchy, battle, competition, financial or political or technical savvy, protecting, providing, function, and so on.
I might have used feminine to mean nurturance, emotion, support, following, devotion, surrender, love, softness, beauty, receptivity, intimacy, collaboration, community, selflessness, feelings, tolerance, flexibility, care taking, artistry, moodiness, nature, etc.
Even writing these lists feels odd to me now: it’s funny to think I ever tried to use the words masculine and feminine as a stand-in for any of these qualities.
Not because they’re bad lists. But because there can be a strong, leading, rational, confident feminine. And there can be an emotionally awake, loving, nurturing, devoted masculine.
The feminine can pursue sex. And the masculine can feel hurt without going to rage.
The feminine can protect. And the masculine can soothe.
So I’m no longer out to achieve Masculinity 2.0 nirvana by coming up with a new and improved list.
It’s more powerful to talk about the qualities themselves.
I do have a lot to say about men and women, their capabilities and their greatest attributes. About gender differences. And about polarity.
But at this point I’m fresh out of reasons to ever use the words masculine or feminine. For me they only diminish or caricature the real message.
We need to rethink their purpose, their function. Not just tweak their definitions.
Until then I’ll stick to saying what I actually mean. It’s much more effective.
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This post was previously published on Sex + Connection and is republished here with permission from the author.
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