Why Should She? The Everyday Sexism Women In Tech Put Up With And The Vicious Cycle It Fuels

I started my first tech startup when I was 22 and sold it to a unicorn startup when I was 24. I was, and still am, young, ambitious, aggressive and competitive. All words I'm very proud to be associated with. Yet, I still feel the need to prove I belong in the room because of the common biases and sexism that I face as a female entrepreneur.

In recent weeks, the topic of sexism has exploded with scandal after scandal depicted in bold-faced headlines on what feels like an hourly basis. Sexism has commanded the spotlight in Hollywood, in Silicon Valley, in Washington D.C.. Everywhere, really. Due to the jarring, shocking nature of these atrocities, their accounts are shared widely, setting new benchmarks for the notion of virality. The “sexism in tech” news cycle tends to focus almost solely on the worst of the worst, thereby leaving the issue’s many other manifestations in the dark.

Yes, there’s a staggering amount of  stories in the “worst” category to be told, and yes, the media can cover only so much. But without giving the entirety of sexism in tech the attention it deserves, how can we expect the extent to which it’s commonly understood to be anything more than limited? By devoting laser focus to the most heinous extremes, are we inadvertently empowering the other pieces of the puzzle—micro-offenses committed by men and women alike on a daily basis—to nurture the very system that enables the former to exist and even fester?

Many of the micro-offenses to which I refer are a result of traditional notions around gender, a convoluted issue for women in tech, and likely for ambitious women in every industry. When we get asked “when are you going to get married?” or “when are you going to have kids?” the underlying assumptions are obvious. It’s as though the day that domestic priorities will surpass professional goals is a 'when,' not an 'if,' as though children and marriage are part of every woman’s timeline. As though prioritizing professional ambition over being a wife or mother is simply not done. Assumptions like these are seldom targeted at young men.

Another thing young men tend not to face? Earnest advice on how to leverage their sexuality to drive career goals. While raising a seed round for my first company, I asked another woman at an event for her insight on approaching the VCs in attendance. “Just bat your eyes at the old men,” she said. “They’ll give you money.” Another fellow female entrepreneur admitted she used it to her advantage when she knew a male client or VC was interested in her romantically. As easy as it is to dismiss this sort of rationale as innocuous, it propagates society’s flawed social constructs.

As it turns out, many seemingly innocuous actions contribute to sexism inadvertently—even measures intended to combat it. I once asked a tech program director how he handled selection for the program, wanting to know the breakdown of disciplines. “We accept a certain number of people that fit in the tech bucket, and the business bucket,” he informed me. “And then, frankly, we have a bucket for women.” Quotas such as this one—and, at a higher level, programs that have been implemented in an attempt to remedy the very real, very well documented institutional discrimination that women in tech face—mean well. But for all the good they foster, they can breed problems of their own.

Take, for instance, the time I was asked by an all-male founding team to step in as a rent-a-CEO of sorts to lead a fundraising pitch. “It will increase our chances of getting funded if we have a female co-founder,” they explained, asking me to masquerade as a part of their team. Or, the time a former coworker, mid-raise himself and struggling, told me I’d have “such an easy time” raising capital the next time I wanted to start a company. “Why?” I asked him. Logically, I should have a bit of an advantage, having a successful exit under my belt and all. But I knew that wasn’t what he was getting at. “Because you’re a girl,” he confirmed. “There are so many funds right now that want to give women money.”

Yes, there are VC funds that “want to give women money.” That’s not to say female founders have an easy time raising money simply because we’re female. In fact, data shows the opposite is true. Female founders receive less than 2% of all venture capital that’s deployed, even though venture-backed companies with a female founder are 63% more likely to succeed. So, why is anyone is under the mistaken impression that women raising money have it “so easy?”

It’s a provocative question to ponder, but experiences like the ones I just described have forced me to ask myself whether the positive impact to come from the likes of affirmative action is hampered by the misconceptions such solutions cultivate. Could it be that “programs for women” prompt men to overlook factual data, and then latch on to perceived incursions, like the exceedingly rare VC who invests primarily in women, as excuses for their own shortcomings? Do men in tech—men and women in tech?—share the collective belief, subconscious or otherwise, that every woman in a prominent position made it there because the system gave her special privileges?

In no way am I asserting that “programs for women” are to blame for the pervasive misconception that women with a seat at the table somehow got there the easy way. My point is that the system itself is so broken, even its remedies—for all the good they cultivate—shed light on yet another important facet of its deeply flawed state, which can be summed up as follows:  I don’t know any men in this field who would deny the existence of its proverbial “boys’ club,” and I also don’t know any men in this field who have ever stopped to entertain the possibility that the boys’ club might have, in some way, enabled their own success—yet somehow, the idea that “special privileges” make things easy for women in tech persists.

Quotas alone won’t change the fact that both women and men continue to call legitimacy into question when a woman wins, and they won’t change the fact that women like me still feel the need to prove we belong in the room. Quotas move the dial to some degree, but we cannot expect them to create true equality, which is really all that women in tech really want. We want to ascend the ranks of this weird anomaly of an ecosystem based on our merits, not our gender. To know that our peers understand that when we succeed, it’s because we earned it. To not feel any sort of need to defend how we earned it—not when he never has, and never will. After all, if he doesn’t, why should I? Why should she?

All of this is admittedly anecdotal, but that’s the point. When I talk to fellow women in tech, I realize these stories and thoughts strike a universal chord, because we all have them. It’s just that we don’t talk about them outside our tight-knit “women in tech” echo chambers—and we should. If we ever want to affect real change, we must. That’s on us as women.

As for all of us in tech,  if we can first agree that the highly complex issue of sexism in our industry cannot possibly have a simple solution, and then simply do as we love to do—approach hard problems in a strategic and methodical fashion—then I am hopeful that we can work toward a world in which future generations of females won’t ever have to doubt the validity of their success. A world where the word “female” before “entrepreneur” or “engineer” elicits no reaction at all. A world that does not incubate the horrible offenses that are dominating the news today, but instead preempts them. Here are just a few suggestions as to how we can start.

1. Let’s acknowledge the fact that headlines, and the stories most frequently covered by the media, don’t paint a full picture. Stories that drive reactions, comments and shares bubble up to the top of the newsfeed, but tend to show only one example of an issue—often the tail end.
2. Let’s give praise when we see brands and media outlets glamorizing ambition and brains. After all, the likes of Reformation’s recent Female Leaders in Male-Dominated Industries campaign just might introduce young women to role models who will influence them to realize their own talents.
3. Let’s call out micro-offenses when we see them. If you witness one taking place, acknowledge it by saying something. If the offense was deliberate, calling it out will help. If the offense was not deliberate, calling it out will help. The idea is not to be accusatory— it’s simply to educate.
4. Let’s stop passing off menial tasks exclusively to women. Too often, we’re asked to take notes or grab the coffee. The next time you’re in a meeting and you see this, guys, why not volunteer to be the note-taker?
5. Let’s stop phrasing questions to women around family life as though a shift in priorities is an inevitable part of being female. Don’t start your questions about marriage and children with “when.” Ask “will you” or “if,” just as you would if you were talking to a young man.
6. Let’s use the same words to describe men and women.  If he is “strategic,” she is not “manipulative”; she, too,  is “strategic.” If he is “bold,” she is not “aggressive”; she, too  is “bold.” If he is a “leader,” she is not “bossy”; she, too,  is a “leader.”
7. Let’s reframe institutional solutions. When a VC says they “only fund women” or require a woman on the founding team to consider an investment, they should be crystal clear as to what this looks like beneath the surface. Every venture fund has a thesis. If the thesis is that women-led ventures outperform others, that should be explained thoroughly. “Female-only” as the extent of a descriptor will be misconceived over and over again.
8. Let’s stop attributing any success a woman achieves to the fact that she’s a woman. Next time a woman gets a promotion or lands financing, remind the voice inside your head that’s minimizing her accomplishment as something she got “because she’s a girl” that it is wrong.
9. Let’s praise men and women for the same qualities, especially when they are young. Let’s refrain from constantly complimenting females on their appearance and males on their intellect or ambition. This creates a disparity in value between appearance and intellect as children grow up.
10. Let’s raise boys and girls the same. Intellect and emotional intelligence are both important skills. Hockey and ballet cultivate equally valuable traits. Every chance we get, let’s emphasize the notion that vulnerability and emotion are not feminine, but human. All children should be taught that gender is not a barrier to doing what you want, being who you are, or showing your true self.