In our culture, masculinity is inseparable from dominance and control. If a man is not dominant in his home and in his marriage, it is an affront to his identity as a man. Men police each other’s dominance with accusations of being “pussy whipped”, or as my husband has been accused of by men who think I have a few too many opinions for a woman, a “giant mangina”. It is an extremely enlightened, secure and self-aware man who is content to omit “obey” from marriage vows — and then to abide by that decision long after the wedding reception.
Emotional labour is fast becoming mainstream feminism's new favourite term. It is used to refer to extra, unpaid jobs that women undertake in heterosexual partnerships even if they have full-time paid work: remembering appointments, providing compassion, and being ultimately responsible for a functioning home life. The trouble is, that is not actually what emotional labour means.